AN ACTUAL CRAIG’s LIST PERSONALS AD
To the
Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah
Date:
2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was
the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over,
shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for
my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come
across this rather important message.
First,
I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually
crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold,
and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I
just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just
bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a
shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a
very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!
I know
it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with crap in
your pants. I’m sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell
phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to
your buddies to come help mug us again).
After
I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell,
I explained the entire episode of
what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of
four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with
the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave
your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the
cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]
I then
threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked
at the curb ….. after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Earlier,
I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to
the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.
The
FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he
traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing
you … but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you
well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing
issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and
perhaps reconsider, the career path
you’ve chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully
yours, Semper fi
Alex
